Angry

I am angry at my body
Betrayed by pain
Betrayed by blood
Betrayed by being female

I am angry at society
Stigmatize females for being female
Stigmatize the blood of life
Stigmatize the carrier of life

I am angry at the medical profession
No use of Mother Earth's medicines
Our chemicals won't help
Rip it out, its of no use to you anyways

I am angry at ignorance
No woman wants to bleed
Having babies is bad for your health
Have a hysterectomy and rid yourself of hysteria

I am angry at myself
Explore why my body has done this
Educate society
Educate the medical profession

Happy? Scared? FREAKING!!

Got a call today from a Financial Counselor at Hospital B. The lady was very sweet, asked me a series of questions. She then explained that they estimate the cost to be $10,000 and they would let me make a down payment of $100 and at that time they can contact Dr. F and schedule the surgery.

I am a very happy camper right now. 

I have already filled out the Financial Aid Application and sent it back with last year's tax return. It took me all of 15 minutes after the email arrived!

I believe I can pay the down payment on Friday morning. She said I could just call and pay with my debit card!!!

If the Financial aid Application is not approved, I will owe the balance but they will make arrangements with me that are well within my budget!!

Sorry for all the exclamation points but I am a very happy person right now. Blessed beyond belief.

Yes, going under has risks, especially for someone with COPD & Rheumatoid Lung Scarring. The recovery time may be prolonged as I also need a rectocele repair. Frankly, I am not sure which scares me more-going under or waking up knowing I may not be able to work for six weeks to three months. 

The prospect of being "normal" once again is very enticing.

All the rare but possible problems are running through my head--if this isn't done soon, I may turn yellow!!!

Good News--Hopefully!!!

As I wrote preciously, PCP that referred me to Dr. F for my surgery, just did my yearly physical and asked how things were going with getting my hysterectomy done.

After explaining how much the hospital, C, wanted either up front or the payment plan of $1500 down and six payments of approximately $800 a month, my surgery was on hold--for an undetermined length of time.

She got the office manager working on it. J and I have spoken twice now. The first time he explained that Dr. F is credentialed at two hospitals, one of them well known for working with indigent patients better than than the other one.

I just spoke with J and he has informed me that although Dr. F prefers to perform surgeries at hospital C she will do mine at hospital B. Hospital B should be calling me within the week to make arrangements.

You can believe that I will not be getting too far from the phone until that call comes in.

My prayers have been answered.

New Developments

I went for a physical with my PCP. She asked how getting the surgery done was going. I explained about what the hospital the GYN surgeon wanted (In full up front $4300 or to finance was $6000 with $1500 down and balance in 6 payments). She said she would get the office manager working on it.

He has called, and is working on finding another hospital in Nashville that will work with me on more affordable terms.

The PCP did give me some Tramadol to try for associated pain. I could have hugged her neck that she didn't just give a bunch of Loritab. Its like doctors think that is all there is! Sad to say though, the Tramadol isn't working.

I know this post is short but I really want to get some crafting done today.

Does My Body NOT Want to be Healthy??

Sometimes I wonder. Sunday and Monday of this week I hated my uterus-my womb, they very thing that makes me a woman, enabled me to receive the most precious gifts God has ever given me--I hated it!

For about seventeen days now, I have not been able to get my pants on. Pants I wore one day were not at all comfortable the next, then gradually, each day, they are further and further from buttoning at all! Saturday I went to MeHarry Dental Clinic, for a student to fix one of my teeth as part of their licensing exam. It was five hours of sitting. So when my back was hurting so bad on Sunday morning, I chalked it up to all the sitting the day before and my spondylosis.

Determined not to live my life in a stupor induced by pain relievers, I don't keep anything for that. The day went on, just in slow motion. I canned the last seven quarts of potatoes I had and chopped and froze eleven quarts of onions. My boy friend helped by doing the lifting and going up and down the stairs to the basement. He got a pillow and put behind my back in the kitchen chair. Such a gentle, sweet and understanding man. By 8:00 p.m. I was more than ready for bed. The pain had wore me out but surely eight hours of sleep would fix that. . .

 Monday morning rolls around and the alarm goes off. I roll out of the bed realizing I am still in pain and the "period" part of the bleeding has begun. Okay, usually its not the first day that is so heavy, I have a dental appointment with my regular student today, no problem. WRONG! Between 4:00 a.m. and 7:00 a.m. I changed very soaked pads seven (yes 7) times!!! Okay, no way I can ride an hour to Nashville, then sit four hours for the dental student then wait around til my 1:00 p.m. appointment with the Oral Surgery Clinic for a consultation. So I cancel, explaining truthfully what is going on and decide that I am not making another appointment until something can be figured out about slowing, if not stopping, the blood flow.

See, the GYN wrote me script for Progesterone Injections (to be taken IM every 3 months) with the caveat I take a full (325 mg) aspirin every day as a deterrent to Deep Vein Thrombosis. Understandably, I can not have dental work done with that much aspirin in my system. I have to not take the aspirin for 5-7 days before a procedure and they are working on me every week. So no aspirin, no progesterone.

Monday was spent running to the bathroom to clean myself up and as the master bath is in the master (only) bedroom, I stayed in there most of the day, cleaning out and organizing.

The weight gain, swelling in my abdominal area is so bad that two Fridays ago, I went shopping and tried on every pair of pants, I moved around, bent over, sat down, squatted  did all the gyrations to make sure they fit before buying them. (I shop at a local second hand store that supports local underprivileged no returns) On the Tuesday after, all but one pair was tight. As the days went one, they got smaller and smaller. I promise I have not gained fat or muscle weight that fast. It is all in my lower abdomen, it will go away eventually. In the meantime, I wear one wardrobe. Hopefully, sooner rather than later, I can pull out the smaller, noting but me, wardrobe!

Just as a pregnant belly pulls on the lower back and causes pain, this swelling of my uterus is pulling on my back, causing the spondylosis to be worse and the pain is b-a-d bad! I feel like I need to get a maternity belt to hold the extra weight of my Adeno diseased uterus off my back!

The disease of Adenomyosis also saps your energy. Saturday when I got home around 5:00 p.m. I laid down on the couch to watch some television. At 5:00 a.m I woke up, crawled in the bed and actually got up, not tired around 7:30 a.m.!!! I am tired all the time. Some days are worse than others but I have not been at my best and energized in years now.

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Click here to find a list of all the dental schools in the USA. If you need dental work at truly affordable prices, please contact the one nearest you.

Learning to Love Again--My Own Body

Now, I am not perfect in my thought process--like all humans (not just women, men too) I have always had issues with my body. Yet I have always been in touch with my body and loved it. For the most part, again not perfectly, I have taken care of it. Being a female and having moons (menstrual cycles) has never been regarded by myself as a sickness or curse or anything else negative. As a matter of fact I thought it a blessing.

Blessing you say? Why, YES! It sets us apart as women, as the life bearers of the human race. It is our "secret".

I have been in such connection with my body I always knew when I ovulated. I knew exactly when each of my babies was conceived. This gave me the unique privilege of knowing each of them  for 9 months (on average) longer than most women know their children.

I love my stretch marks and would never wish them away. They are a testament to those beautiful children and that I was blessed enough to be able to have children.

The effects of gravity and being pregnant 12 times has taken a toll on my breasts but how beautiful! No breast lifts are in my future.

There are wrinkles on face from smiling and laughing through all the good times and worrying through all the rough times. My reminders that Creator is wonderful and loving and life has lessons.

My hair? Well, I do wish it was almost to my knees again and it dries out and breaks and its stick straight and will not hold a curl more than a few hours IF it takes. But I care for it. I oil it and I braid it to protect it. I spend more than I'd like to get nice boar bristle brushes. Yes, there are gray hairs, right in the front! A testament to the whole world that I have been blessed to live long enough to get them.

My belly? Well, I could truly use a tummy tuck after a real good liposuction but that is just proof Creator has always blessed me with food to eat.

The varicose/spider veins in my legs and face? Just one more reminder that my Mama is also my Mother--no abortion, secret adoption or refusal to conceive at all. The ones on my cheeks actually just look like a gentle blush--no need for blush!

The funny toes that look sort of like a lawn mower ran over them and hit a few and missed some others? Well, another testament to my Hatcher blood from my Mama, so what if I have to use polish on the skin to fake toenails on them because the nails on several of them will just fall off every so often.

When I look in the mirror, I see me, in all my glorious beauty that the Creator has bestowed upon me.

But the hidden things, on the inside, have given me a false reason to begin to not love my body as much as I used to . See, I don't just have Adenomyosis. There is also Rheumatoid Arthritis, Psoriasis, Edema, Borderline Hypertension (that used to be full blown), Migraines, Spondylosis, COPD, and all the side effects and side conditions caused by these things. Sometimes it is too much to bear--add in life it self which has a way of getting in the way of living at times, and I become explosively depressed at times.

I do not want life to end (well, I understand that it will one day) but I seriously want it to be better. Living with constant pain, allergies and bleeding (from the Adenomyosis) is beyond aggravating at times.

The Adenomyosis is the worst for me right now. The other things have been constant companions for such a long time they are just old friends.


Rheumatoid Arthritis has its advantages--it gives me another reason to keep moving-so I don't lock up. Spondylosis keeps me ever mindful of my posture and proper body position when lifting, walking or doing other things. Edema reminds me to eat less salt and more fresh fruits and to take those needed rests (work an hour, rest 15 minutes with feet up). COPD reminds me to take it slow and easy-enjoy life and smell the roses. Migraines remind me to not do the things that trigger them-chemical air fresheners, worrying, and to take my allergies seriously.

Pain reminds me I am alive.

Notice Adenomyosis is not in that paragraph? I have yet to find any blessing in that. It is aggravating many of the other diseases, I am afraid to leave my home without a change of clothes. I literally have to bathe several times a day. Even with 2-3 forms of feminine protection in place at one time, I ruin clothes on a regular basis. I carry clothes and plastic bags and peroxide with me all the time.

Seeing as my research is showing many different things about this new part of me, the easiest fix is hysterectomy (or menopause) and I have no insurance--I must continue on with this. Creator has a lesson here. I must learn this lesson and come to terms with the fact my body has a different plan for my life's direction right now.

As sewing, reading, crafting, gardening and canning have always been therapeutic to my soul  maybe its time to delve back in. Time to get back in touch with MY body. Listen and understand what it is trying to tell me.

No Funds-No Surgery

This blog will continue as a source to let women know they are not alone, but I have decided to close the fund raiser and not have the surgery.

I have made choices in my past life that affect my current and future life. One of those was to leave an alcoholic husband. At that point I lost my insurance.

Centennial Women's Hospital has given me a huge a discount from about $35,000.00 to $6,000.00. The surgeon has decided not to charge me. I am very appreciative of these things.

I am a private, self-employed, elder care sitter. This brings in enough to cover my few bills but not enough to save any extra of a large amount. The nature of my work is that eventually my patient will pass to the next world. At that point what little I will have saved up will be needed to pay my bills and gasoline to go interview for another patient.

I have no serious problems with this choice. I have had the rectocele-in its current severe state since the OB used high forceps during the birth of my 3rd child in October 1989. Living with it has become routine for me at this point.

I have a mild cystocele. It is mild and not that bothersome--many women have a severe one and they do just fine without surgery.

As for the adenomyosis--it will go away in twenty years when I go through menopause.

Maybe my lesson here is in patience.  

The Headaches

Yep! That's about what it feels like every morning when I first get up. It becomes bearable after about an hour of being upright. And people wonder why I get up so early. 

They subside after a few hours but will return later in the day--my life has been scheduled around these for years. They are worse during the "period" time (I actually prefer to use the word "moon" but most wouldn't understand that.)

I have always taken spells of just not wanting to be around other people but during these headaches, I am a bear! Stay away from me. I am spending all my energy on not collapsing into a heap on the floor. 

These headaches are caused from being anemic.

The anemia is caused from the adenomyosis.

Please check out all the tabs above! 

Even the doctors! Really?

http://www.natures-blessings.org/PregnancyRebirth.html

When the doctor told me I have Adenomyosis, he told me that the cause is having lots of babies or having heavy babies. I have ten babies that weighed between 8 pounds 14 ounces and 9 pounds 8.5 ounces at birth. He stated the baby being in the womb pushes the endometrial lining into the muscle tissue of the uterus itself.

I have done lots of research since December 2012 and it all, except one website, says that is far from the case. They have no idea what causes it and many of the women with Adenomyosis, are virginal and teen age. Many women have it before or with the very first menses.

He also told me the only treatments are ablation-this where the inside of the entire uterus cauterized with hot water or an electrode. Sometimes you never bleed again, sometimes you do. The only other treatment is removal of the uterus or hysterectomy. Progesterone injections are a temporary fix for some and he did prescribe these for me, every three months as a temporary fix until I could have the surgery done.

Research shows there are many treatments, some invasive some injections, some taken orally and not all involve hormones.

Why does a GYN/OB, one male one female, in this day and age, believe that having babies automatically means you are going to have health issues? That having babies is in and of it self going to ruin a woman's body, when in fact God Himself created a woman's body specifically to carry and give birth to babies?

http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e94/tobymutz101/art/kahlo_gaia1.jpg?t=1240356282

Secondary Anemia

Adenomyosis causes anemia from the large loss of blood. This causes you to have other problems such as:

• Fatigue
• Paleness
• Cardiac Problems or Worsening of ones already present
• Chest Pain
• Shortness of breath
• Chills
• Cold hands & feet
• Headaches
• Weakened immune system
• Anxiety
• Irritability or Moodiness
• Inability to Think Clearly
• Constipation
• Tinnitus
• Muscle Cramps

There are many other symptoms-too many to list.

I have fatigue. Just a constant tiredness that never goes away. No matter how many hours you sleep at night or taking a nap--you are still tired. "I'm so tired my tired is tired."

Skin paleness is present for me but most people that don't know me don't notice it. I am dark skinned with an olive complexion. I see it every time I look in a mirror and it is dis-heartening. 

Cardiac problems-for me this is bouts of palpitations. The key is stay calm and not panic, panic only makes it worse. My blood pressure has also lowered. I have taken hypertension meds from age 27 to December 2008. My blood pressure is now normal without medication due to the anemia but with spells of being low enough to make me dizzy and fainting.

Shortness of Breath--Walking any distance has to be paced and even then I need to stop and catch my breath. Taking a load of laundry to the clothes line can totally wind me and its not that far. 

Chills--I have never had chills before unless I was feverish. I now have chills on a regular basis but luckily, so far, I have not developed an over all coldness. It takes me longer to warm back up after getting cold such as going out to feed the chickens, waking out to the mailbox, etc.

Cold Hands & feet--I have recently began wearing socks most of the time. 6 months ago, that was not going to happen, I couldn't stand to have socks on my feet unless I had shoes on--now I need them.

Headaches--I wake up with a headache almost every morning, sometimes in the middle of the night I have to get up due to headaches. 

Weakened Immune System--I am sick more often now and it takes longest to shake a cold or bacterial infection. 

Anxiety--I am not sure if my anxiety levels are higher than before or not, I do worry as all people do but I have always had this place deep down inside that knows all be okay.

Irritability or Moodiness--I am more moody and little things that would never before have bothered me drive me slap a** batty now.

Inability to think clearly--I don't retain things as easily. I don't recall things I know as readily as before. My "think fast on your feet" abilities are all but gone.

Constipation--this occurs more frequently no matter the diet and only adds to severity of the rectocele.

Tinnitus--Ringing in the ears.

Muscle Cramps--Due to the lack of oxygen in the blood and lack of amount of blood to carry the oxygen around, muscles cramp.

Think about these things. Think about living with these things on a daily basis for years. My life is full but not like it should be, all because of Adenomyosis related anemia.

Saving Money--Cloth Menstrual Pads

I was thinking-using as many sanitary napkins and tampons as I do, I could save a lot of money going to cloth and even more if I made them myself.

This is a subject I have researched over the years in the past.

As I was up at 3:00 a.m. with a head cold, I think I'll be productive and do some pattern searching and go through my stash of cloth, see what I can come up with. May need to order some waterproofing for the backs.

Here are the web pages I have found with patterns and/or information and Etsy has lots of patterns and pads for sale.

Adahy's Cloth Pad Patterns There are several patterns here including an 11 inch pad, panty liner, a 8 inch pad & a circular pad. She has done a lot of work and research and it shows. 

Jan Andrea Great picture showing how to lay out your pattern so as to have extreme little waste of cloth when cutting out. Also some patterns.

Instructions for Cloth Menstrual Pads Pattern will need to be enlarged and then follow the simple instructions.

There are lots of other great sites out there. Go ahead-step into the water and do some research and make your own reusable, washable cloth menstrual pads.

Related Problems

Along with adenomyosis comes:

• Anemia
• Hair Loss
• Lower Back Ache
• Pain in the legs
• Feeling of abdominal fullness-similar the last trimester of pregnancy
• Heavy, prolonged menstrual bleeding that lasts from 7-14 days, in some cases even longer
• Sevre uterine cramping during menstruation
• Passing of blood clots both small and large
• Sudden, sharp cramping even when not bleeding
• Feeling full after eating only a small amount due to the uterus being enlarged and pressing on the stomach
• Enlarged uterus
• Pain and/or lack of sensation during sexual intercourse
• Sudden pain upon sitting down
• Constipation
• Diarrhea
• Frequent urination
• Nausea
• Extreme Fatigue
• Changes in weight-loss due to not being able to eat a full meal, gain due to edema
• Edema
• Insomnia due to pain and needing to constantly get up and urinate and/or clean yourself
• Miscarriage
• Inability to Conceive

You can only imagine how these things interfere with your life on a daily basis, on an hour by hour basis. I never leave home without a change of clothes. No matter what form of protection I use, up to 3 kinds at once (menstrual cup, super plus tampon, & overnight pad) there have been many times that suddenly, with one sharp cramp, all that was full and overflowing and m clothes literally soaked--to my knees. 

I am tired all the time. My daughter cooks supper and my grand daughter cleans the kitchen up. Sweeping the floor wears me out. I dearly love hanging my laundry out, even in the winter, but can not carry the baskets to and from the line. 

I have migraines that put me out of commission. I have had these for a long time, probably as long as the adenomyosis has been developing, but not like what I have now. Now there is sensitivity to light, nausea, inability to move my head, and no noise is tolerated.

Edema, or retention of excess fluid is something I have had since high school. Adenomyosis only makes it worse. I take 50mg. of HCTZ for this and have for quit some time now. Several years ago when the dose had to be doubled, and I was having heavy menstrual bleeding no one even thought to connect the worsening of one condition to the development of the other. It was, "Well, your edema is worsening because you are working standing on your feet more now. Your bleeding is worse because you are working on a concrete floor." 

Hair loss--my hair started thinning about 1998. I talked to the doctor about it. He ran his hands through my hair and said, "Seems thick enough to me." Again, nobody even cared to try and put the symptoms together. His notes sound as if he thought I was vain and bordering on some personality disorder.

Lower back pain--This one has been fun. At first I am told its because I have had children. (at some point all my symptoms have been blamed on the fact that I have children). I do have spondylosis. That was mis- diagnosed repeatedly as a "pulled back muscle" at least 6 times. Finally a nurse practioner said no, there is something else wrong here. She sent me for an MRI that showed three bone spurs, bulging discs and spondylyosis of the lumbar region of my spine. I would say that is the major cause of pain there for me.

Pain in my legs--There are times my hips, thighs and even to the soles of my feet are in pain or completely numb. Before the aforementioned MRI, that again was blamed on child bearing--up to ten years after my last child was born. I will also say that at least some of this is due to the other conditions found during the MRI.

Constipation is a constant companion. This only makes the cramping and the rectocele worse. Again, doctor's have never put it together. Just told me to take a smaller dose of iron or slow release iron oh, yea, take a stool softener every day too. It does not always help.

Change in Weight-This was the one that made people start getting on the ball. I lost weight. Can't tell you how much. Between the stress of caring for a sister-in-law with late stage Alzheimer's, a husband dying of liver failure, and keeping my job and the yet un-diagnosed adenomyosis, I went from a size 18 to a size 10 in about eight weeks. Part of it was not actual weight loss, but my uterus was enlarged to the point of being the same size as a 4 month pregnancy, and that went down, but people got on the ball. Thought I might have cancer. Thank goodness I did not. Maybe it would have been better-could have have the hysterectomy and repairs done. See in Tennessee, if a woman has cancer she gets TennCare for 45 days.


Ladies, do not take a plain out stupid answer like, "Well, that happens when you get older." or "You stand on your feet too much." or "You stand on concrete." or "That's what happens when you have children."

Men, do not let your women take these stupid answers.

Insist your doctor do more tests. Put the symptoms down on paper with times and dates. Take pictures of those blood clots with a ruler beside them. Keep a log of every pad, tampon, menstrual cup, etc. you use on a daily basis with how full it is. Show these to your doctor and scream if you must, "This is NOT normal!!"

Print out this chart and use it-take it to your doctor and let them put a COPY in your file, keep the original.

The Woman with an Issue of Blood

Mat 9:20 KJV - And , behold , a woman, which was diseased with an issue of blood  twelve years, came  behind, and touched the hem of his garment:
Mar 5:25 KJV - And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve  years,
Luk 8:43 KJV - And  a woman  having  an issue  of blood  twelve years, which had spent  all her living  upon  physicians, neither could be healed of  any,
Luk 8:44 KJV - Came behind, and touched the border  of his garment: and  immediately her  issue of blood  stanched.

For many years now, I have admired this un-named woman's faith. It was not the fact that she touched the hem of Jesus' garment that healed her--it was the fact she BELIEVED that simple act would heal her. 

Mat 9:22 KJV - But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour.

Does this mean my issue of blood continues, actually worsens after ten years, because I have little faith? Because I am a sinner? Because I am dis-obedient? I choose to leave that to the more theology minded to debate. I do pray about these issues, and seek guidance from the God of my and all Creation. 

I'll keep you up to date with the answers. For now my point is that many people, male AND female, and I dare say more females, use this passage (and others) to say that if a woman has "female problems" she has "asked for it" or, using other verses and passages, that she has a "generational" curse on her, after all, women bleed in cycles because they are being punished for being the daughter's of Eve! 

In my mind and heart and soul, these reasons can not be totally discounted. But and that is a BIG but, these are used as excuses more often than not. After all, ALL female mammals, have fertility cycles that include bleeding. Also, these very beliefs are judgmental to the very core and put God/Creator in a very bad light--

There are physical reasons, ones with physical not spiritual explanations, for these problems. The way to prove this? My faith is such that if you have an issue of blood due to spiritual reasons, even a complete hysterectomy is NOT going to fix it. You will continue to bleed. Yes, I have enough faith to KNOW that God/Creator/The Wonderful and Great Mystery can make you have an issue of blood, even after a surgeon removes your uterus/womb from your body. He is all powerful and a Great Mystery and He has the ability and power to fix or break what He created.

My point with post though is that humans use this, and other passages from the Bible to not only say, but actually believe-deep down believe, that women deserve to be punished for no other reason than they are women, and that God says it!

Please click on the tab above above that says "Woman's Sabbath" to find a very different view on the fact that women bleed on a regular basis. I will later be writing a post about what many Native/Aboriginal people believe about this fact.

Today's Happenings

Today and yesterday have been days of pain--it truly feels like I am in labor. I can go from 4:30 a.m. to about 2:00 p.m. before it starts.

Nothing so far has relieved the pain. I have tried Advil, Aleve (prescription strength), and Loritab, heating pad, relation, hot bath, hot shower. . .

If you have any suggestions, please leave them in a comment.

The pain makes me not nauseated but desirous of vomiting-just like labor with my eldest.

I continue to work every day. I sit with an elderly lady with Alzheimer's. She is very sweet. She can't wait for it to get warm enough she can go outside to feed her chickens herself. She tries to feed all her visitors! Once a Mama always a Mama!!

I don't get much sleep as between the pain and getting up to change myself so as to not have to change the bed, keeps my sleep interrupted.

I updated the fund raiser today. I so appreciate all the gifts and prayers. I have found some creative ways to save some extra money for the surgery and recovery period: I do in-home mortgage closings as a Notary Signing Agent. This occasional work as most times they are scheduled during the hours I am at my regular job. But I have decided to take out my expense money only for each job (printing costs & gas) and to put the rest up in the surgery fund. Every time I buy feed for the animals, I match the 10% taxes and put that in the surgery fund. It will build and I will be able to do this.

My eldest daughter, Virgillia, is set to take my place patient sitting while I recover. There is also a relative of her family as back-up. My job will be there when I recover.

Virgillia  bought a bunch of strawberries on sale. We froze a lot and tomorrow I plan to make jam with the rest. Distraction helps to some degree and the jam will be really good!