Learning to Love Again--My Own Body

Now, I am not perfect in my thought process--like all humans (not just women, men too) I have always had issues with my body. Yet I have always been in touch with my body and loved it. For the most part, again not perfectly, I have taken care of it. Being a female and having moons (menstrual cycles) has never been regarded by myself as a sickness or curse or anything else negative. As a matter of fact I thought it a blessing.

Blessing you say? Why, YES! It sets us apart as women, as the life bearers of the human race. It is our "secret".

I have been in such connection with my body I always knew when I ovulated. I knew exactly when each of my babies was conceived. This gave me the unique privilege of knowing each of them  for 9 months (on average) longer than most women know their children.

I love my stretch marks and would never wish them away. They are a testament to those beautiful children and that I was blessed enough to be able to have children.

The effects of gravity and being pregnant 12 times has taken a toll on my breasts but how beautiful! No breast lifts are in my future.

There are wrinkles on face from smiling and laughing through all the good times and worrying through all the rough times. My reminders that Creator is wonderful and loving and life has lessons.

My hair? Well, I do wish it was almost to my knees again and it dries out and breaks and its stick straight and will not hold a curl more than a few hours IF it takes. But I care for it. I oil it and I braid it to protect it. I spend more than I'd like to get nice boar bristle brushes. Yes, there are gray hairs, right in the front! A testament to the whole world that I have been blessed to live long enough to get them.

My belly? Well, I could truly use a tummy tuck after a real good liposuction but that is just proof Creator has always blessed me with food to eat.

The varicose/spider veins in my legs and face? Just one more reminder that my Mama is also my Mother--no abortion, secret adoption or refusal to conceive at all. The ones on my cheeks actually just look like a gentle blush--no need for blush!

The funny toes that look sort of like a lawn mower ran over them and hit a few and missed some others? Well, another testament to my Hatcher blood from my Mama, so what if I have to use polish on the skin to fake toenails on them because the nails on several of them will just fall off every so often.

When I look in the mirror, I see me, in all my glorious beauty that the Creator has bestowed upon me.

But the hidden things, on the inside, have given me a false reason to begin to not love my body as much as I used to . See, I don't just have Adenomyosis. There is also Rheumatoid Arthritis, Psoriasis, Edema, Borderline Hypertension (that used to be full blown), Migraines, Spondylosis, COPD, and all the side effects and side conditions caused by these things. Sometimes it is too much to bear--add in life it self which has a way of getting in the way of living at times, and I become explosively depressed at times.

I do not want life to end (well, I understand that it will one day) but I seriously want it to be better. Living with constant pain, allergies and bleeding (from the Adenomyosis) is beyond aggravating at times.

The Adenomyosis is the worst for me right now. The other things have been constant companions for such a long time they are just old friends.


Rheumatoid Arthritis has its advantages--it gives me another reason to keep moving-so I don't lock up. Spondylosis keeps me ever mindful of my posture and proper body position when lifting, walking or doing other things. Edema reminds me to eat less salt and more fresh fruits and to take those needed rests (work an hour, rest 15 minutes with feet up). COPD reminds me to take it slow and easy-enjoy life and smell the roses. Migraines remind me to not do the things that trigger them-chemical air fresheners, worrying, and to take my allergies seriously.

Pain reminds me I am alive.

Notice Adenomyosis is not in that paragraph? I have yet to find any blessing in that. It is aggravating many of the other diseases, I am afraid to leave my home without a change of clothes. I literally have to bathe several times a day. Even with 2-3 forms of feminine protection in place at one time, I ruin clothes on a regular basis. I carry clothes and plastic bags and peroxide with me all the time.

Seeing as my research is showing many different things about this new part of me, the easiest fix is hysterectomy (or menopause) and I have no insurance--I must continue on with this. Creator has a lesson here. I must learn this lesson and come to terms with the fact my body has a different plan for my life's direction right now.

As sewing, reading, crafting, gardening and canning have always been therapeutic to my soul  maybe its time to delve back in. Time to get back in touch with MY body. Listen and understand what it is trying to tell me.