Angry

I am angry at my body
Betrayed by pain
Betrayed by blood
Betrayed by being female

I am angry at society
Stigmatize females for being female
Stigmatize the blood of life
Stigmatize the carrier of life

I am angry at the medical profession
No use of Mother Earth's medicines
Our chemicals won't help
Rip it out, its of no use to you anyways

I am angry at ignorance
No woman wants to bleed
Having babies is bad for your health
Have a hysterectomy and rid yourself of hysteria

I am angry at myself
Explore why my body has done this
Educate society
Educate the medical profession

Happy? Scared? FREAKING!!

Got a call today from a Financial Counselor at Hospital B. The lady was very sweet, asked me a series of questions. She then explained that they estimate the cost to be $10,000 and they would let me make a down payment of $100 and at that time they can contact Dr. F and schedule the surgery.

I am a very happy camper right now. 

I have already filled out the Financial Aid Application and sent it back with last year's tax return. It took me all of 15 minutes after the email arrived!

I believe I can pay the down payment on Friday morning. She said I could just call and pay with my debit card!!!

If the Financial aid Application is not approved, I will owe the balance but they will make arrangements with me that are well within my budget!!

Sorry for all the exclamation points but I am a very happy person right now. Blessed beyond belief.

Yes, going under has risks, especially for someone with COPD & Rheumatoid Lung Scarring. The recovery time may be prolonged as I also need a rectocele repair. Frankly, I am not sure which scares me more-going under or waking up knowing I may not be able to work for six weeks to three months. 

The prospect of being "normal" once again is very enticing.

All the rare but possible problems are running through my head--if this isn't done soon, I may turn yellow!!!

Good News--Hopefully!!!

As I wrote preciously, PCP that referred me to Dr. F for my surgery, just did my yearly physical and asked how things were going with getting my hysterectomy done.

After explaining how much the hospital, C, wanted either up front or the payment plan of $1500 down and six payments of approximately $800 a month, my surgery was on hold--for an undetermined length of time.

She got the office manager working on it. J and I have spoken twice now. The first time he explained that Dr. F is credentialed at two hospitals, one of them well known for working with indigent patients better than than the other one.

I just spoke with J and he has informed me that although Dr. F prefers to perform surgeries at hospital C she will do mine at hospital B. Hospital B should be calling me within the week to make arrangements.

You can believe that I will not be getting too far from the phone until that call comes in.

My prayers have been answered.

New Developments

I went for a physical with my PCP. She asked how getting the surgery done was going. I explained about what the hospital the GYN surgeon wanted (In full up front $4300 or to finance was $6000 with $1500 down and balance in 6 payments). She said she would get the office manager working on it.

He has called, and is working on finding another hospital in Nashville that will work with me on more affordable terms.

The PCP did give me some Tramadol to try for associated pain. I could have hugged her neck that she didn't just give a bunch of Loritab. Its like doctors think that is all there is! Sad to say though, the Tramadol isn't working.

I know this post is short but I really want to get some crafting done today.

Does My Body NOT Want to be Healthy??

Sometimes I wonder. Sunday and Monday of this week I hated my uterus-my womb, they very thing that makes me a woman, enabled me to receive the most precious gifts God has ever given me--I hated it!

For about seventeen days now, I have not been able to get my pants on. Pants I wore one day were not at all comfortable the next, then gradually, each day, they are further and further from buttoning at all! Saturday I went to MeHarry Dental Clinic, for a student to fix one of my teeth as part of their licensing exam. It was five hours of sitting. So when my back was hurting so bad on Sunday morning, I chalked it up to all the sitting the day before and my spondylosis.

Determined not to live my life in a stupor induced by pain relievers, I don't keep anything for that. The day went on, just in slow motion. I canned the last seven quarts of potatoes I had and chopped and froze eleven quarts of onions. My boy friend helped by doing the lifting and going up and down the stairs to the basement. He got a pillow and put behind my back in the kitchen chair. Such a gentle, sweet and understanding man. By 8:00 p.m. I was more than ready for bed. The pain had wore me out but surely eight hours of sleep would fix that. . .

 Monday morning rolls around and the alarm goes off. I roll out of the bed realizing I am still in pain and the "period" part of the bleeding has begun. Okay, usually its not the first day that is so heavy, I have a dental appointment with my regular student today, no problem. WRONG! Between 4:00 a.m. and 7:00 a.m. I changed very soaked pads seven (yes 7) times!!! Okay, no way I can ride an hour to Nashville, then sit four hours for the dental student then wait around til my 1:00 p.m. appointment with the Oral Surgery Clinic for a consultation. So I cancel, explaining truthfully what is going on and decide that I am not making another appointment until something can be figured out about slowing, if not stopping, the blood flow.

See, the GYN wrote me script for Progesterone Injections (to be taken IM every 3 months) with the caveat I take a full (325 mg) aspirin every day as a deterrent to Deep Vein Thrombosis. Understandably, I can not have dental work done with that much aspirin in my system. I have to not take the aspirin for 5-7 days before a procedure and they are working on me every week. So no aspirin, no progesterone.

Monday was spent running to the bathroom to clean myself up and as the master bath is in the master (only) bedroom, I stayed in there most of the day, cleaning out and organizing.

The weight gain, swelling in my abdominal area is so bad that two Fridays ago, I went shopping and tried on every pair of pants, I moved around, bent over, sat down, squatted  did all the gyrations to make sure they fit before buying them. (I shop at a local second hand store that supports local underprivileged no returns) On the Tuesday after, all but one pair was tight. As the days went one, they got smaller and smaller. I promise I have not gained fat or muscle weight that fast. It is all in my lower abdomen, it will go away eventually. In the meantime, I wear one wardrobe. Hopefully, sooner rather than later, I can pull out the smaller, noting but me, wardrobe!

Just as a pregnant belly pulls on the lower back and causes pain, this swelling of my uterus is pulling on my back, causing the spondylosis to be worse and the pain is b-a-d bad! I feel like I need to get a maternity belt to hold the extra weight of my Adeno diseased uterus off my back!

The disease of Adenomyosis also saps your energy. Saturday when I got home around 5:00 p.m. I laid down on the couch to watch some television. At 5:00 a.m I woke up, crawled in the bed and actually got up, not tired around 7:30 a.m.!!! I am tired all the time. Some days are worse than others but I have not been at my best and energized in years now.

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Learning to Love Again--My Own Body

Now, I am not perfect in my thought process--like all humans (not just women, men too) I have always had issues with my body. Yet I have always been in touch with my body and loved it. For the most part, again not perfectly, I have taken care of it. Being a female and having moons (menstrual cycles) has never been regarded by myself as a sickness or curse or anything else negative. As a matter of fact I thought it a blessing.

Blessing you say? Why, YES! It sets us apart as women, as the life bearers of the human race. It is our "secret".

I have been in such connection with my body I always knew when I ovulated. I knew exactly when each of my babies was conceived. This gave me the unique privilege of knowing each of them  for 9 months (on average) longer than most women know their children.

I love my stretch marks and would never wish them away. They are a testament to those beautiful children and that I was blessed enough to be able to have children.

The effects of gravity and being pregnant 12 times has taken a toll on my breasts but how beautiful! No breast lifts are in my future.

There are wrinkles on face from smiling and laughing through all the good times and worrying through all the rough times. My reminders that Creator is wonderful and loving and life has lessons.

My hair? Well, I do wish it was almost to my knees again and it dries out and breaks and its stick straight and will not hold a curl more than a few hours IF it takes. But I care for it. I oil it and I braid it to protect it. I spend more than I'd like to get nice boar bristle brushes. Yes, there are gray hairs, right in the front! A testament to the whole world that I have been blessed to live long enough to get them.

My belly? Well, I could truly use a tummy tuck after a real good liposuction but that is just proof Creator has always blessed me with food to eat.

The varicose/spider veins in my legs and face? Just one more reminder that my Mama is also my Mother--no abortion, secret adoption or refusal to conceive at all. The ones on my cheeks actually just look like a gentle blush--no need for blush!

The funny toes that look sort of like a lawn mower ran over them and hit a few and missed some others? Well, another testament to my Hatcher blood from my Mama, so what if I have to use polish on the skin to fake toenails on them because the nails on several of them will just fall off every so often.

When I look in the mirror, I see me, in all my glorious beauty that the Creator has bestowed upon me.

But the hidden things, on the inside, have given me a false reason to begin to not love my body as much as I used to . See, I don't just have Adenomyosis. There is also Rheumatoid Arthritis, Psoriasis, Edema, Borderline Hypertension (that used to be full blown), Migraines, Spondylosis, COPD, and all the side effects and side conditions caused by these things. Sometimes it is too much to bear--add in life it self which has a way of getting in the way of living at times, and I become explosively depressed at times.

I do not want life to end (well, I understand that it will one day) but I seriously want it to be better. Living with constant pain, allergies and bleeding (from the Adenomyosis) is beyond aggravating at times.

The Adenomyosis is the worst for me right now. The other things have been constant companions for such a long time they are just old friends.


Rheumatoid Arthritis has its advantages--it gives me another reason to keep moving-so I don't lock up. Spondylosis keeps me ever mindful of my posture and proper body position when lifting, walking or doing other things. Edema reminds me to eat less salt and more fresh fruits and to take those needed rests (work an hour, rest 15 minutes with feet up). COPD reminds me to take it slow and easy-enjoy life and smell the roses. Migraines remind me to not do the things that trigger them-chemical air fresheners, worrying, and to take my allergies seriously.

Pain reminds me I am alive.

Notice Adenomyosis is not in that paragraph? I have yet to find any blessing in that. It is aggravating many of the other diseases, I am afraid to leave my home without a change of clothes. I literally have to bathe several times a day. Even with 2-3 forms of feminine protection in place at one time, I ruin clothes on a regular basis. I carry clothes and plastic bags and peroxide with me all the time.

Seeing as my research is showing many different things about this new part of me, the easiest fix is hysterectomy (or menopause) and I have no insurance--I must continue on with this. Creator has a lesson here. I must learn this lesson and come to terms with the fact my body has a different plan for my life's direction right now.

As sewing, reading, crafting, gardening and canning have always been therapeutic to my soul  maybe its time to delve back in. Time to get back in touch with MY body. Listen and understand what it is trying to tell me.

No Funds-No Surgery

This blog will continue as a source to let women know they are not alone, but I have decided to close the fund raiser and not have the surgery.

I have made choices in my past life that affect my current and future life. One of those was to leave an alcoholic husband. At that point I lost my insurance.

Centennial Women's Hospital has given me a huge a discount from about $35,000.00 to $6,000.00. The surgeon has decided not to charge me. I am very appreciative of these things.

I am a private, self-employed, elder care sitter. This brings in enough to cover my few bills but not enough to save any extra of a large amount. The nature of my work is that eventually my patient will pass to the next world. At that point what little I will have saved up will be needed to pay my bills and gasoline to go interview for another patient.

I have no serious problems with this choice. I have had the rectocele-in its current severe state since the OB used high forceps during the birth of my 3rd child in October 1989. Living with it has become routine for me at this point.

I have a mild cystocele. It is mild and not that bothersome--many women have a severe one and they do just fine without surgery.

As for the adenomyosis--it will go away in twenty years when I go through menopause.

Maybe my lesson here is in patience.